Some time ago my wife suggested that I was playing too much computer solitaire—that I was wasting a lot of precious time—that playing might have gone beyond a pleasant, short diversion to help wind down from the day to the place of addiction. Defensiveness rocketed out of my heart like a kid leaving the library for recess. I had such an immediate emotional reaction—so quick that there was clearly no intellectual reasoning involved. The statement just hooked me. I was instantly and massively defensive.

I was defensive because I was playing too much computer solitaire and I was wasting a lot of precious time and it had gone beyond a pleasant, short diversion to help wind down from the day to a place of addiction.* She had put a finger on an area where I lacked self-control and over which I was already feeling some personal guilt and some conviction from God. She said what I already knew about my growing lack of self-control in this area. Thus, my immediate and severe defensiveness. We seldom like to be questioned about our behavior and especially about those behaviors where we are already questioning ourselves.

Perhaps the fastest human reaction to any event—even faster than the fight or flight adrenaline that is aroused by a burglar breaking out your window—is the defensiveness that rises up in us when someone puts their finger on our sin, our unkindness, or our foolishness. That reaction of defensiveness is faster than the speed of sound—maybe faster than the speed of light. I can get defensive faster than I can hit the brake in a near-miss auto accident. I can get defensive faster than you can say, “computer solitaire.”

In the fight to become a self-controlled person defensiveness never, ever, ever helps. It insures that I will not address my issues. It is generally born out of pride or insecurity or fear or addiction. I am proud about who I am and how I live and I don’t want either of those to be questioned. I am insecure about who I am or how I live and I don’t want my insecurities to be reinforced. Or, I am afraid that my sin or foolishness will be exposed. Or, I am addicted to something and that is a point of shame and defeat to me and I will fight fiercely to keep that addiction from coming to light or being proven. I will become insane in the denial of my addiction.

Defensiveness is my signal that I have either one or two problems. At the very least defensiveness means that I have a problem with defensiveness. (So you are thinking, “Dave this is brilliant—keen insight into the obvious! Thank you!”) It is really quite valuable to know that I have a problem with defensiveness because when I know I have a problem I can begin to address the problem.

The second problem that defensiveness might surface is that I am sinful or uncontrolled or insecure or addicted or foolish in the very area that the person has addressed. Once again it is a blessing to get connected with reality in the area where I need personal transformation.

It may well be impossible to do anything about an initial response of defensiveness—it often just happens too fast. But it is possible to do two very profound things in the fight to defeat our defensiveness and to gain more self-control.

First, having responded defensively to something I have the option, powered by the Holy Spirit and by my personal integrity, to step back and reassess. I can choose to pull back from the place of immediate emotional reaction to the place of serious spiritual and rational evaluation—to ask the question of myself, “Am I playing too much solitaire?” Or, “Am I drinking too much?” Or, “Was I too curt with him?” Or, “Did I discourage my son with what I failed to do?” Or, “Am I rationalizing the amount of time I am spending in front of the TV?” Or, “Have I become too accustomed to nice things?” Or, “Have I become too anxious about money and security?” Or, “Am I spending too much time at work or at my hobbies or at my recreation or at the gym?” Or, “Am I spending too little time with my family?” Or, “Am I too committed to comfort?” Or, “Have I stopped growing and just stagnated in my spiritual life?” Or, “Have I forgotten the mandate and the joy of serving and sharing the Good News and discipling others?”

Second, having responded defensively to someone’s input I have the option to go to work on a more foundational and global need in my life—the need for humility. Defensiveness and humility are inversely proportional. More defensiveness means that I have less humility. Less defensiveness means that I am a more humble person. Humility is modeled by Christ (Philippians 2 and all through the Gospels) and is often commanded in the Word. If I can build humility in my life I can be less defensive about my areas of sin and loss of control, and I can then successfully address these areas.

The usual thought on humility is that we either have it or we don’t and that it is, like beauty or speed, something that we could not really go about attaining. However, since the Bible commands us to be humble it must therefore be something that we can gain and cultivate and enhance. God does not mock us by commanding us to do things we are unable to do.

The process of gaining humility involves both heart-level recalibration and mind-level transformation. At the heart-level I must make a choice to open myself to the Holy Spirit for His convicting about where I stand on the “humility scale.” I must be willing to do some soul-searching. To honestly, without defensiveness, take a look “under the water line of my life” and see what is there. Sometimes I can do this by myself and sometimes, if the water is real murky, I may need some help from friends or from a professional Christian counselor.

Also at the heart-level I must remind myself that I was a hopeless sinner who was on the way to destruction when God rescued me. I must go back to the bedrock of how this relationship with God began—back to my spiritual bankruptcy and my absolute lack of personal merit and my utter inability to do anything about my plight. I must go back to the fact that I am a redeemed person and that I owe everything to God. I must go back to the obvious things: I did not create myself, redeem myself, sustain myself, nor destine myself for eternal joy. It was all of God. I am the recipient. All I did was stick out my hand and take a gift. These realities, properly embraced and internalized, will help bring me back to a place of humility and of gratitude.

At the mind-level I strive for humility by choosing to enter the process of having my mind renewed by the Word of God. I make a searching, personal comparison between what I believe and what God believes—especially about me. God believes that I am deeply loved and infinitely valuable—He gave His infinite Son to redeem me. But God also believes that I have limited giftedness—not infinite. He believes that I have limited power—not infinite. He believes that I have limited skills—not infinite. He believes that I have limited intellectual ability and limited insight—not infinite. He believes that I have limited importance in the world and in the Kingdom of God—not infinite. In summary we need a rational assessment of who we are and where we stand in relation to the God of the universe.

At both the heart-level and the mind-level we are often helped by input from people who love us and have the kind of maturity and insight to help us. If I solicit their input I can often get the insight I need in a way and at a time that minimizes my defensiveness. I just need to be real careful that if I ask for input that I receive it with grace and resist the temptation to defensiveness even in this situation.

I got some help in my personal humility efforts recently when I had a professional consulting organization conduct a “360 degree feedback process” on me. Eighteen people who work with me and know me well were given the opportunity to get online and answer some questions about me and my leadership style and my relationship style. They are all people who care about me and they were all gracious but truthful. When the consultant reviewed the results with me these eighteen people had agreed on no less than five areas where I need some work to be a better leader. It was not real easy to hear but it did help me with both the areas that needed work and with the humility factor. It helped with the humility factor by recalibrating me about my level of leadership skill and my level of leadership development.

Paul said in Romans 12:3, “Let no one think more highly of himself than he ought to think, but to think so as to have sound judgment.” Sound judgment about who I am increases humility, decreases defensiveness, and increases self-control—what a great pay off! Arrogant people have a terrible time gaining self-control and self-control has such towering value that it is well worth humbling ourselves over.

Honestly, how highly do you think of yourself?

*In the kindness of God I quit computer solitaire cold-turkey and have never gone back. What a terrific blessing to be free of that addiction and have all that time back! I probably need Kathi to talk to me about my book collecting.